Looking for patterns

There are so many similarities between this year and my first of college.  If I’m going to have a lost year or two every time I move, I’m sincerely hoping I don’t move that often in my adult life.

It’s just kind of uncanny, the things that are the same.  Saturday afternoons spent driving around somewhat aimlessly, trying to figure out where everything is.  Evenings spent going to the movies alone or wandering around bookstores.  Months spent trying to keep in touch with people from another place before beginning to wonder if I’m even missed at all.

In both cases I attempted to attach myself to a group of friends, only to find that I didn’t quite fit or wasn’t there at just the right time.  The TFA corps here is great, but I just haven’t found a niche.  My community group is wonderful, but I can’t help feeling that there wouldn’t be much of a difference if I wasn’t there.  My friends from the Delta are kind and sincere, but they have their own worries and their own lives and their own pre-established patterns that I don’t seem to fit in to.

It’s not awful here in Memphis.  I have perspective this time, not like when I first moved to Denton.  I know now that, given enough time, this will begin to feel like home.  I know now that making friends takes time and that there will be lots of stop and go along the way.  I know that I have people here who care about me, even when I don’t feel like it.  I just wish I could speed up the process and skip over the loneliness.

And even though I know that it will eventually get better, I can’t help but wonder if loneliness ever really goes away.  There have only been a few times in my life where I felt like I was an integral part of something and each time I have left and found out that life continues on in much the same way, even without me there.  Maybe it’s arrogance and pride on my part, but it would be nice to know that a place I lived, or a group of people I was with, was not quite the same after I left.

I’m sorry to be so melancholy – it’s just that I was feeling reflective and it’s been so long since I really sat down and put thoughts into words (I haven’t been much of a blogger lately, have I?).  It’s just interesting to look at the parallels.  It took me almost 2 years to feel at home in Denton, and even then there were times I wasn’t sure I fit.  How long will it take me to feel at home in Memphis?

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1 Comment

  1. Dad

     /  May 3, 2010

    It’s surely not the same HERE since you left! ;-)

    I think a large part of the loneliness is our realization that this is not our real home and our longing for heaven.

    Every change and transition is difficult. Every time we moved we had to find new friends, a new church, and even mundane things like a new dry cleaner. It really doesn’t get easier, but like you noted, you gain perspective each time.

    Try to embrace the change, put yourself out there, even at the risk of getting dissed and hurt. It’s hard to insert yourself in a new group, or even know the right group to insert yourself into. But you learn more each time and each time gets just a tad easier. Or, if not actually easier, at least you know what to expect so it seems so.

    So, hang in. You’re a smart, fun, and vivacious adult. Don’t forget how Nathan forced you to do stuff in Denton and you ended up with great firends. Well, become your own Nathan and you will succeed!

    Love ya,

    Dad
    xoxoxo

    Reply

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